When I think about the times when people have shown up for me, I place them in two categories. One is when I know that I am in distress and I need reassurance, help or just someone to be present. Like the time my birthday was “canceled” (long story) and my friends left cupcakes and wine on my doorstep, hid down the street and then called me to let me know they left me something. It meant a lot to me and since they went through so much, I ended up having an impromptu celebration with them at one of their homes complete with my favorite pad thai. Birthday saved, cuz my friends showed up! The other is when I’m powering through, and I don’t recognize my need for help. In fact, sometimes I actually might not need help but someone else showing up lightens the load, makes things much more enjoyable or simply reinforces how much they care about me. Like during the roughest semester in my career as an academic when I was presenting on my research and so many of my colleagues took their lunch breaks to come see me present and just showered me with praise for my work. I felt loved….at work. Never knew that was a thing.
Anyway, I hope you have individuals like this in your life, and if the people in your life never show up or are inconsistent in showing up for you…… you have some decisions to make. I’m not saying you should drop the friendship/relationship. You may need to do that and/or you may need to adjust your expectations of these ghostly friends and find some real human connection. You know what I mean by ghostly friends? The ones who you have some evidence of their existence, but you never really are able to see, touch and or connect with them on a real level? Yeah, those ones. Anyway, that’s not the point of this post.
The point of this post is that whether or not you have folks showing up for you. You need to show up for yourself. The support and encouragement that we oftentimes seek in others and give to others we need to give to ourselves. So many times, we are guilty of not being good to ourselves. We talk about our self-care days, and they end up being empty rituals. They’re empty because we are often not intentional about the way we treat ourselves. The way we talk to ourselves, and the way we think about ourselves. I feel like I’m going off on a tangent again. So, I’m just going to say this; think about some ways in which you show up for others and how you can turn that inward. You know how much you care about that friend of yours that you will stop everything to check in and see how their day is going? You know how you know someone’s favorite meal, snack or dessert, and you’ll go out of your way to get it for them? You know how when someone is working really hard, you’ll encourage them to take a break? You’ll encourage them to celebrate the small successes? You know how you’ll sacrifice and save to get someone that gift, or trip they want to go on? You know how you’ll help someone with their outfit, makeup or hairdo? You’ll show up and help them fix their car, something in their home or even tend to emotional wounds? Those are things you can do for yourself. Show up for yourself!
I know sometimes you’re physically, mentally and/or emotionally tired. I know sometimes you don’t even know what to do or say. But guess what? For most of us, if it is a friend in need, we show up anyway. We power through whatever is going on in our lives to let our friends know that they are important to us. That we value them. That we believe in them and in their dreams. All I’m saying is keep that same energy. When you keep that same energy for yourself, it also makes it easier for others to show up for you and cheer you on. And if per chance you find yourself hesitant to do this. To show up for yourself. And I’m not saying it’s easy to do. It definitely takes a shift in mindset and lots of practice. If you find yourself hitting a wall in this. It may be time for you to do some deeper work and self-examination to figure out why you don’t find yourself deserving of this. Because why else would YOU not show up for YOU?